CONIFER – Hapless wanted his money. He’d recently sold a MacBook Pro laptop computer on Craigslist for $650.00 to a self-proclaimed resident of Nigeria self-identified as “Thompson.” As it happened, “Thompson” never sent any money, and now Hapless is receiving emails from “Thompson” asking Hapless to send “Thompson” money. Officers explained to Hapless that savvy Craigslist consigners don’t conduct commerce with Nigerian customers, as they are famously unreliable. Deputies also advised Hapless not to send “Thompson” any money. They further advised him to not bother waiting by the mailbox for “Thompson’s” check to arrive. Finally, they finally advised Hapless that Nigeria is several districts out of their jurisdiction.
SOUTH JEFFCO – He couldn’t rest until he’d talked to deputies. He’d recently purchased a “Sleep Number” bed and arranged to have it delivered at 10 a.m. Thing is, when he went outside at 10:30 a.m. to see if his tranquilizing trundle had arrived, he found a packing slip promising two large boxes containing the best repose he ever had in his life, but no Sleep Number bed. A call to the merchant revealed that two large boxes had, indeed, been deposited on his front porch at the appointed hour, but none could say where they’d gone, or just who’d snatched the Sandman. Deputies said they’d look into the matter, and surely would have if the complainant hadn’t called a couple hours later and told them to stand down. A neighbor living two blocks away had phoned the complainant demanding he fetch the two large boxes parked on his patio. Turns out the complainant’s VIP pass to the blessed realms of Somnos had been dropped on the wrong front porch. Deputies put the case to bed.
Other people’s kids
SOUTH JEFFCO – Poor Peggy was pleasantly perusing Pinterest posts on her PDA when her peace was perturbed by a perplexing pandemonium on the patio. Peering outside, she perceived a posse of pubescent persons prowling her private property. When one of the impudent pups approached and proceeded pry at her parlor pane, she proclaimed her presence and apprised the police. The plucky punks departed ere patrolmen appeared, and a painstaking probe of the parish proved the pestilent reprobates had taken a permanent powder.
No gray area
EVERGREEN – The whole thing was captured on surveillance video in black and white.
A guy dressed in black and a guy dressed in white entered the Store together and grabbed a pair of shopping baskets. Mr. White made a beeline for the hair-care products and selected two packages of Rogaine for Men. Mr. Black wandered over to the oral products aisle and picked up two packages of Crest whitening strips and two packages of Nicorette gum. Black and White reunited at the front of the store and departed, baskets brimming with un-purchased bald-balm, bicuspid-bleach and bogus butts. The store made copies of the contrasting evidence for deputies.
EVERGREEN – An excitable citizen called 911, pleading with deputies to stop the terrible fight raging in the parking lot before buckets of blood were spilled. Racing to the scene, deputies found Da wrestling a stroller into the boot and Maw strapping Wee Bairn into a car seat, none of them noticeably damaged, or even particularly upset. According to their statement, they’d been enjoying a little stroll around a nearby loch when Maw started feeling a little chilly and suggested they go back to the car. Da was feeling somewhat less chilly and felt they should continue the pleasant promenade. Maw pleaded her case just long enough for Da to start feeling a little chilly, at which point they all turned around and went back to the car. Da and Maw said it had been a little argument, quickly begun and just as quickly finished, and officers were inclined to believe them. Da, Maw and Wee Bairn were allowed to depart Scot free.
CONIFER – Keenly interested in helping to create a safer community, McGruff was front and center at a community safety meeting convened on Oct. 18. Unfortunately, McGruff quickly fell afoul of the forum as topics turned to “political opinions and agendas” and discourse grew “heated.” When a small group of antipathetic attendees told McGruff to mosey, he explained that he was “not required to leave” and made a bee-line for the door. “I hope you know how to take care of yourself out there,” muttered one of his critics, an ambiguous wish that left McGruff feeling somewhat unsafe, and which he later shared with JCSO deputies. Advised that the statement at issue did not rise to the level of harassment, McGruff showed officers a small collection of unflattering internet posts, all of them aimed squarely at him and none of them complimentary. Deputies found the defamatory messages ill-mannered, but not illegal. Again rebuffed, McGruff shrugged “fair enuff.”
SOUTH JEFFCO – His problems were all in a straight line stretching from the golf ball-sized hole in his basement window to the filbert-sized rip in his screen to the quarter-sized crater in the wall of his downstairs living room. By a straight line of reasoning, he told deputies, one must conclude that somebody shot a single bullet into his house. As it happened, the basement was under renovation at the time of the alleged shooting, and while two of the workmen dimly recalled hearing the sound of breaking glass at some time between 1 o’clock and 2 o’clock in the afternoon, each had assumed the other had merely knocked over “a lamp,” and neither had bothered to investigate. The homeowner said poaching is common in the area, and he suspected the damage was caused by an errant shotgun slug. Officers weren’t so sure, finding nothing definitively indicating a gunshot. Either way, deputies photographed the perforated panes and plaster, and the homeowner said he’d try to find out if any of his neighbors had recently engaged in any “target practice.”
EVERGREEN – Emotionally exhausted from an evening of argument, Mister told Missus he was taking the dog for a walk. He didn’t get far before stopping to text Missus from the yard saying “I want my cigarettes.” Missus flung open the door and hurled the cigarettes in Mister’s general direction, at the same time noticing that Mister didn’t seem to have the dog any more, a matter of some concern because the dog was “sick and on medication.” Happily, a neighbor soon corralled the ailing animal and returned it to Missus. Unhappily, Mister appeared a short time later saying he was again taking the dog for a walk. Having lost faith in Mister’s dog-retention skills, Missus locked Mister out of the house and called JCSO. Thinking it best to give tempers a chance to cool, deputies persuaded Mister to flop at a friend’s house.
EVERGREEN – It was nearly 3 o’clock on the morning of Oct. 15 when a hawk-eyed deputy spied a woman lying in the ditch near CR73 and Buffalo Park Road. She was OK, thankfully, if being too wasted to walk can be called OK. She told the deputy she’d been carousing in a local saloon and was having a hard time getting home. When the officer expressed concern about the bright splashes of blood drying on her sweatshirt, she was quick to put their mind at ease. “That’s not my blood,” she said. “It’s my husband’s blood.” As luck would have it, a second deputy was even then discovering her battered better half on the side of the road near Buffalo Park and Valley View. No less stewed than his spouse, he told the officer his gory aspect was the result of getting “sucker punched” by a guy he’d been playing pool with at the bar. Comparing notes, deputies secured his assurance that he’d have his injuries examined by medical personnel and provided both parties a courtesy ride home.
Sheriff’s Calls is intended as a humorous take on some of the incident call records of the Jefferson County Sheriff’s Office for the mountain communities. Names and identifying details have been changed, including the writer’s name, which is a pseudonym. All individuals are innocent until proven guilty.