As long as you’re here…

PINE JUNCTION — She was beside herself. Officers followed her down to the basement, where she showed them a crack in a basement window. Somebody shot it, she declared. Deputies observed the window to be deeply recessed into the ground and the window well to be securely covered by a grate. It seemed unlikely, they told her, that the crack resulted from a gunshot. About that time her son wandered downstairs to see what all the badges were about and told officers the crack had been there for months. After chewing on that new information, she supposed maybe she just hadn’t noticed the crack before but asked deputies to write up a report anyway in case she decided to file a claim on her homeowner’s insurance.

Bad lad’s dad mad

CONIFER — Mickey Motorist was carefully cruising the canyon when Bungling Boy blundered into him. Bungling Boy could provide no vehicle or insurance information, so to be on the safe side, Mickey tipped off the state patrol and a trooper wrote a wreck report. His duty done, Mickey went home to find the phone ringing and a bellowing blowhard on the other end. It was Furious Father demanding to know why Mickey had involved the authorities. “You could have just talked to me,” Furious fumed. “You’re a (terrible person)!” Mickey called the police for the second time that day and recounted the crude call for JCSO. He told deputies he didn’t want to make a federal case out of a fender-bender, but he was still waiting for young Bungling’s vehicle information, and he’d appreciate it if they could grease the skids. Officers told Mickey they’d contact CSP for particulars and urged him to forward any more flaming phonings from Furious.

Haul of shame

EVERGREEN — Attempting a delivery on April 4, the truck driver took one look at the driveway and called the house. There was no way his rig could navigate the steep, narrow lane, Driver explained to the addressee, leaving a Sophie’s choice between leaving the bulky cargo at the foot of the driveway or taking it back to the warehouse for re-delivery with a smaller vehicle. Addressee was irate. Addressee told Driver it wasn’t his fault the company sent his purchase in such a big truck. And anyway, “I could get a tractor trailer up this hill!” Addressee told Driver. Addressee further expressed his opinion that the company shouldn’t have assigned the job to such an “inexperienced” deliveryman. Driver told Addressee that, “I’ve been doing this job a long time” and that Addressee “should stop insulting me.” Addressee said he’d come down to the road in his SUV and pick up the package himself. Driver took one look at Addressee’s SUV and told Addressee it was too small to accommodate the freight. Seeing no other solution, Driver headed back down the mountain with Addressee’s merchandise still aboard. For reasons never fully explained, Addressee tailed him in his SUV for a considerable distance, which made Driver nervous enough to call JCSO. After surveying both sides, deputies pronounced the prodigal parcel problem pointless.

Fee-ble attempt

EVERGREEN — On or about March 3, Shirley’s longtime roomer, Laverne, announced that she’d be moving out in a month. As diplomatically as possible, Shirley advised the departing tenant that, since Laverne had been keeping a dog in her room, she’d need to pay an exit fee of $168 to have the carpet cleaned. Laverne said that was fine and fair, and then proceeded to move out on April 3 without paying it. “You agreed,” Shirley insisted. “I don’t owe you anything,” countered Laverne. Voices were raised, hard words exchanged, deputies called. Deeming the dispute solely civil, officers merely assumed a peacekeeping role until Laverne was out the door.

Sheriff’s Calls is intended as a humorous take on some of the incident call records of the Jefferson County Sheriff’s Office for the mountain communities. Names and identifying details have been changed. All individuals are innocent until proven guilty.