Crank call

CONIFER — Cleaning up a Conifer Road parking lot on the morning of March 15, the workman came upon a dubious bit of debris. It was a small plastic bag labeled “Gucci” containing a “small amount” of a suspiciously “clear crystal substance.” Workman summoned JCSO deputies, who performed a test presumptively pegging the problematic powder as methamphetamine. Officers conveyed the fashionably packaged contraband to Golden for fiery and ultimate disposal.

Dun deal

CONIFER — Seemingly trapped on a roller coaster of collection agencies, the discouraged debtors hoped JCSO could help them get off of it. They’d been sitting on “large debts” for four years, Dan and Debbie Debtor told a JCSO deputy, and every time they reached a workable arrangement for repayment, “one company sells the loan to another company and the phone calls start all over again.” Most recently the Debtors had been receiving calls from a “mean” man in California who “sarcastically” identified himself as “Jim.” The snotty note holder had called them at least seven times in the last seven days and, beginning to feel harassed, Dan and Debbie asked the officer to intercede. After letting the deputy cool his heels on hold for a while, Jim interrupted the officer’s introduction to say he “didn’t believe I was a law enforcement officer.” “You’re probably a friend of (Dan and Debbie),” Jim sneered with unconcealed sarcasm. The deputy told Jim he was just trying to establish Jim’s credentials. Jim provided the name of his company and told the deputy to never call again. The deputy told the Debtors there was little else he could do to keep debt collectors from calling and suggested they simply stop answering Jim’s calls.

Smell this house!

EVERGREEN — Wilson called JCSO on the afternoon of March 15 to complain that his neighbor, Tim, had dumped “a large amount of dirt” in Wilson’s driveway. Deputies scanning the scene observed that the disputed dirt was “potting soil” containing “perlite,” and that Tim had scraped most of it off of Wilson’s driveway right before they arrived. Tim told deputies that he’d dug the dirt out of the ground beneath his house to make room for foundation repairs, which appeared unlikely, particularly in view of the overpowering aroma of hothouse ganja emanating from Tim’s digs and the pile of “about 100 large empty planter pots” jumbled in his yard. Seeing as how Tim had already de-dirted his driveway, Wilson was willing to forgive and forget. Slightly suspicious of Tim’s sensimilla-scented shanty, officers forwarded their report to the West Metro Drug Task Force for review. 

Slick trick

EVERGREEN — Is there such a thing as wrongful re-parking? The complainant thought so, and called JCSO to declare herself a victim of rogue relocation. The previous evening, she explained to deputies, she’d parked her car at the top of her steep and icy driveway. Come the morning, it was parked at the bottom of her steep and icy driveway with its fanny sticking out into the snow-covered road. Her theory was that a villainous valet unknown, and for reasons unknown, had re-oriented her ride by dark of night. The deputies’ theory was that treacherous surface conditions and relentless gravity had conspired to play a little prank on her. In any case, the car was still securely locked and apparently undamaged, so deputies let it slide.

Sheriff’s Calls is intended as a humorous take on some of the incident call records of the Jefferson County Sheriff’s Office for the mountain communities. Names and identifying details have been changed. All individuals are innocent until proven guilty.