Protection racket

CONIFER — The email that popped up in her queue on Feb. 21 was unwelcome as it was unexpected. Ostensibly sent by the good people at McAfee, it matter-of-factly stated that her virus protection subscription was about to expire, which was bad, and was being automatically renewed, which was good. Trouble was, she did not, and had never, subscribed to McAfee, and the fictitious subscription was to be extended by way of with an electronic withdrawal of $189.99 from her personal bank account. She didn’t approve of that proposal, and said as much in her emailed reply, which prompted a telephone call from an ostensible McAfee agent who rather ungently informed her that she had no choice in the matter. If she wanted her $189.99 back, he sneered, she’d need to fill out a refund application, which he subsequently sent, except the refund application was really a savings account withdrawal authorization to the tune of $1,899.99, and the moment she finished downloading it, her computer froze solid. Feeling over-matched, she called her bank to confirm that no actual funds had as yet changed hands, and then called JCSO to find out if they could liberate her locked-up laptop. Deputies could do little but advise her to assume that her computer remained dangerously corrupted and get it into the hands of a competent cyber specialist, stat.

Hotel parking

EVERGREEN — At about 2:30 a.m. on Feb. 21, JCSO dispatchers were informed that a man wearing “dark clothes and a beanie” was trying to break into a Chevy Suburban that had been left overnight in a church parking lot. Responding deputies quickly found the vehicle, which appeared undisturbed, and the suspect, who appeared unperturbed. The soul of cooperation, Beanie, explained that he sometimes like to escape his home in Commerce City and enjoy the “fresh air” at 7,500 feet. On this occasion, he continued, he’d pulled into the church parking lot intending to bed down in his car until dawn, and any interest he may or may not have had in the Suburban was merely innocent curiosity. As it happened, the guy who called JCSO had been spending the night in a different vehicle parked in the church parking lot, and had developed the definite impression that Beanie’s behavior bordered on banditry. In the end, officers busted Beanie for second degree motor vehicle trespass and warned him against car-camping on private property.

Temp-er tantrum

EVERGREEN — By midnight on Feb. 21, the temporary worker was becoming a persistent problem. She’d shown up for her pick-up shift visibly tipsy, and her job performance had gone downhill from there. By 11:30 it had become clear to her manager that she’d become “too much of a liability” to remain on the clock, or even in the store, and he’d tactfully relieved her of duty and ushered her out onto the sidewalk with the admonishment that she leave the property and never return. Instead of going quietly into that good night, however, she lit a cigarette and got so “loud” the manager felt compelled to dial 911. By the time deputies arrived a small crowd of former-fellow employees had gathered to catch her act, a dramatic multisensory experience featuring slurred and incoherent speech, half-closed bloodshot eyes, and choking cloud of alcohol fumes that clung to her like a blue polyester vest. “I didn’t drink nothing today!” she told deputies. Then you won’t mind taking a quick breathalyzer test, officers rejoined. “I’m-a be 100 with you,” she said, confidentially. “I did drink a little bit this afternoon.” After thanking her for enlightening them, deputies cited her for disorderly conduct and third degree trespassing, and then took her to jail for being in violation of a protection order they discovered in her profile that forbade her to drink fortified beverages.

Sheriff’s Calls is intended as a humorous take on some of the incident call records of the Jefferson County Sheriff’s Office for the mountain communities. Names and identifying details have been changed. All individuals are innocent until proven guilty.