Buyer beware

SOUTH TURKEY CREEK — Shopping for a friend online, Larry deemed Balki compatible and invited him over. In person, Larry didn’t measure up to his youthful cyber-persona, leading a disappointed Balki to believe he’d been “cat-fished.” Still hoping to close the deal, Larry plied his dissatisfied guest with “drugs,” and minutes later was on the phone with JCSO dispatch screaming for succor. Balki was “tearing up the place,” seemingly. He appeared to be “searching for something,” Larry wailed, and if he didn’t find it, “something would happen.” Responding tout suite, deputies first relieved Balki of the brass knuckles on person, and then asked him what he’d done to upset Larry. Balki wasn’t entirely sure, saying he’d merely been looking for his motorcycle keys and had never exchanged a single discouraging word with the excitable Larry. Lacking evidence refuting Balki’s account, officers issued him a summons for carrying brass knuckles and declared the virtual transaction void.

Food fight

KITTREDGE — After interviewing both parties, the only thing deputies could say for sure was that Romena makes a mean pot of chili. The way Rollo remembered it, he’d strolled into Romena’s kitchen that afternoon with warming words of praise. “That smells good!” he told Romena. “(Nuts to) you, (bad person)!” had been Rowena’s scalding response. Desiring peace over pintos, Rollo had instead fetched a slice of pizza out of the refrigerator and placed it in the microwave, in the process brushing up against Romena, a gentle contact unavoidable within the kitchen’s cramped confines. That wasn’t the way Romena remembered it, of course. In the twin spirits of generosity and hospitality, she’d offered to dish up a heaping bowl of chili for the glowering Rollo only to have her kindness repaid with five-alarm sass. “I don’t want any of that, (bad person)!” Rollo barked, “chest-bumping” Romena on the way to the refrigerator for a slice of pizza. Deputies could find no crime in either account, and advised Rollo and Romena to stay away from each other for a while and stop stirring the pot.

No Through Traffic

EVERGREEN — The problem was ongoing, Mr. and Mrs. Landers told deputies on the morning of Jan. 29. They owned two vacant lots adjacent to their residence, and every day a guy walks through them with his dog. When the “NO TRESPASSING” sign they hung didn’t even slow him down, they appealed to him directly. “I always walk my dog here,” he’d shrugged. They didn’t know his name or address, but the Landers wanted officers to locate the tenacious trespasser and give him a lesson on property rights. Officers said they surely will if they ever find the anonymous interloper, which, up to now, they have not.

My way

EVERGREEN — “I want him to leave me alone,” she told JCSO dispatch. Needing more information, JCSO dispatch asked her to hang tight while deputies hurried over to get full particulars. She didn’t want to hang tight, though, and told JCSO dispatch that “he” was her almost-ex-husband, and that “he” has been especially argumentative lately, and that she was at that moment headed out the door on errands, and that was all anybody needed to know. Trying one last time to be of service, JCSO dispatch asked how “he” might be contacted so that deputies could relay her concerns, but that didn’t work for her, either. She had no idea where “he” was, and since she had possession of his cell phone they couldn’t call him, but she decided it would be okay with her if deputies wanted to come by at some time of her greater convenience and stand by while she kicked some of his belongings to the curb. JCSO dispatch is expecting her call.

Sheriff’s Calls is intended as a humorous take on some of the incident call records of the Jefferson County Sheriff’s Office for the mountain communities. Names and identifying details have been changed. All individuals are innocent until proven guilty.