Sheriff’s Calls

Hot Dawg

PINE — The call to dispatch was fraught, to say the least. Somebody posing as law enforcement had invaded her property on the morning of Jan. 19, the homeowner told JCSO dispatch. She’d been able to “block him in,” she said, but deputies had better shake a leg because he was packing heat. Racing to the scene, officers confronted Poser, who turned out to be a “bounty hunter” verifying the property’s occupancy on behalf of a client. Interestingly, after trapping the ticked-off tracker in her driveway for more than an hour, the homeowner wanted him charged with trespassing. Deputies couldn’t oblige since there weren’t any No Trespassing signs in evidence. The homeowner assured them that there used to be, and postulated that the bounty hunter took them down when she wasn’t looking. Officers advised her that the only crime they could substantiate was false imprisonment, and she was the perp. Happily for the homeowner, the bounty hunter didn’t press for punishment.

Ugly roomer

CONIFER — The occasional guest was wearing out his welcome. According to his hosts, he’s been in the habit of staying with them while in town, but his demeanor has become increasingly “hostile” and “entitled.” That very morning, Mr. Host told deputies, Guest had returned to the house from who-knows-where and demanded that Mrs. Host “make him some food.” When Mrs. Host declined, Guest “started yelling” and acted “aggressively” toward her. The Hosts asked officers to officially pull the welcome mat out from under Guest. Perhaps smelling eviction in the wind, Guest had made himself scarce before badges arrived, but the officers promised to serve his walking papers at first opportunity.

Say it, don’t spray it

EVERGREEN — Finding all of the handicapped parking spots at Evergreen Lake occupied on the afternoon of Jan. 16, Mace parked his van across two ordinary spaces, allowing ample room to exit the vehicle with his cane. Finding all of the ordinary spaces at Evergreen Lake occupied, Mr. and Mrs. McPeevish suggested to Mace that he make room for them by re-parking in the ordinary space in the ordinary manner. Mace didn’t appreciate the suggestion and emphasized his displeasure by brandishing a can of pepper spray. The McPeevishes retreated to a temporary berth out of aerosol range and summoned JCSO deputies. The McPeevishes told officers that Mace was a menace and threatening and improperly parked and should be ticketed as such. Mace told officers that he might have been willing to accommodate the couple had not Mrs. McPeevish spoken to him sharply and insultingly. Officers accused all three of crimes against grownup deportment, telling Mace to deep-six the pepper spray and the McPeevishes to park as far away from Mace as possible.

NoDoze

BEAR CREEK CANYON — Allen and Eileen have been at it about easements forever, so it wasn’t entirely surprising to JCSO dispatch when Eileen called on the morning of Jan. 22 to complain that Allen had just smashed her car with his “dozer.” When deputies arrived, Eileen told them she’d parked her car in the easement so Allen couldn’t use it, but he’d moved it out of the way with his “dozer” and used it anyway, an indelicate operation that inflicted considerable damage upon her vehicle. Given an opportunity to rebut, Allen said that while their dispute is working its way through the courts Eileen is not allowed to block the easement and he had tacit legal “permission” to clear the way by any means necessary. The way deputies saw it, Eileen had no right to block the easement, Allen had no right to beat up her bumper, and until the county judiciary pronounced on the conflict they should peacefully share the right-of-way. Officers ticketed Allen for crimping Eileen’s car, and had barely left the scene when dispatch sent them back after Eileen’s lawyer, who’d just arrived to vigorously defend his client’s interests, called 911 to complain that Allen “hit” his unprotected person with the “dozer.” The attorney looked remarkably good for a guy who’d just been bulldozed, and, finding the new case against Allen remarkably thin, deputies closed it, too.

Sheriff’s Calls is intended as a humorous take on some of the incident call records of the Jefferson County Sheriff’s Office for the mountain communities. Names and identifying details have been changed. All individuals are innocent until proven guilty.