Parting gift

CONIFER — Just in time for Christmas, the restaurant manager got her walking papers. A few days later her replacement told JCSO deputies that his predecessor likely left with the official company iPad still clutched in her incompetent fingers. He further explained that he’d “pinged” the departed device, which registered somewhere on the Clear Creek County end of Stagecoach Boulevard in Evergreen. Hoping to confirm the location before heading up the canyon, officers “pinged” the absent iPad one more time, but by then either the battery was dead or the tablet was turned off, because it didn’t register anywhere. Although the accused electronics abductor wasn’t answering her phone, deputies dutifully scouted around the Stagecoach neighborhood anyway. Unfortunately, the area is too large to be canvassed one house at a time, and the iPad remains adrift and incommunicado. 

Candid camera

CONIFER — Routinely reviewing the day’s home surveillance footage on the evening of Dec. 22, the homeowner viewed scenes of her orderly drive, her neat lawn, her tidy patio, a postal worker climbing over her handsome fence and “playing” with her two spirited dogs. The mailman was unexpected, certainly, but she was downright flabbergasted to watch him “pull down his pants” and stand with his back to the camera for several minutes before climbing back over her handsome fence and resuming his appointed rounds. The homeowner didn’t know quite what to make of the peculiar proceeding but was pretty sure she wanted JCSO deputies to see it. Quickly locating the distinctive deliveryman, officers asked him why he’d climbed over the homeowner’s fence.“I wanted to play with the dogs,” he shrugged. They asked him how he’d come to be de-trousered. “The dogs jumped up on me and my pants got pulled down,” he explained, smoothly. They asked him why his pants had been pulled down for nearly five minutes. “What are you going to charge me with?” he sighed.They charged him with second-degree trespass.

Beer bust

EVERGREEN — According to the gas-o-mart clerk, a guy wearing a “camovest” walked in on the night of Dec. 20 empty handed, and walked out again a few minutes later with a six pack of un-purchased pilsner. Thing was, she hadn’t actually seen him bolt with the brewskis but had inferred theft from the way he’d abruptly exited after browsing the beer cooler. When confronted by another employee outside the store, Camo had stammered, “I put it back, though,” which protestation didn’t cut any ice with Clerk, especially as Camo had been subsequently observed toting ice cold evidence. When store surveillance footage pretty much confirmed Clerk’s suspicions, she asked that Camo be officially trespassed from the premises.

Dirty Hairy

EVERGREEN — Beauty the beautician was hip-deep in hair when Beast called the salon and asked to speak with her. Beast told Beauty he’s a regular customer at her establishment, but he had yet to sample her specific stylings and wanted to make an appointment. Beauty assured Beast she had an opening at noon and would be happy to tame his mane then. Beast wondered if, for an additional consideration of $1,000, he could put his hairy paws down Beauty’s bloomers. While that very personal service was not on Beauty’s rate sheet, she decided to “play along” and tacitly agreed to the arrangement. Beast described his car and said he’d call from the parking lot when he arrived for his appointment. In fact, Beauty had no intention of selling her innocence at any price. Unable to locate Beast in the salon’s client database and failing to reach him on what a recording identified as a non-working number, Beauty called JCSO. Alas, the mangy critter didn’t show, calling Beauty at about 12:30 and apologetically explaining that his car battery had gone south and he wouldn’t be able to make it. Officers advised Beauty to have someone escort her to her car after her shift and keep her eyes open on the drive home.  

Sheriff’s Calls is intended as a humorous take on some of the incident call records of the Jefferson County Sheriff’s Office for the mountain communities. Names and identifying details have been changed. All individuals are innocent until proven guilty.