War of nerves

CONIFER – JCSO dispatch doesn’t get many calls more serious than the one it received on the afternoon of Mar. 21. Camouflage-clad combatants were at that moment training rifles on his home from adjacent high ground, the caller said, and his household would remained locked, loaded and barricaded inside until reinforcements showed up. While the dispatcher tried unsuccessfully to persuade the caller to disarm and stand down before deputies arrived, officers raced to the scene. Approaching the alleged sniper’s nest cautiously, the deputies found no gunmen, nor any tracks in the snow that might indicate hostiles had recently occupied the hill. Informed of their findings, the caller and his compatriot, who struck the officers as “nervous and jittery,” weren’t ready to be relieved, suggesting that the murderous sharpshooters might have seen cops coming and moved to an even more commanding perch on the very roof over their heads. After a thorough search of the structure failed to locate the elusive assassins, or any evidence that they existed, the panicky pair were forced to admit that they might simply be a touch “paranoid” because “previous tenants” had threatened to “come back and kill us.” Deputies marked their file “suspicious” and retired from the field.

Explosive allegation

CONIFER – Deputies are not often dispatched on more hazardous purpose as they were on the morning of Mar. 22, when a caller reported that explosives had been placed on his property. Knowing the way, officers raced to the scene of a previously reported and unsubstantiated rifle ambush to learn that “several people” had placed “propane tanks” under the front porch, a lethal cache that, the caller believed, constituted a “bomb.” Examining the deadly deposit first-hand, officers identified only “two couch pillows” that “appeared to have been in that spot for some time.” Not even a little convinced, the reporting party handed over a flash drive said to contain “video” evidence of “two men” planting the perilous package. Back in Golden, deputies determined that the flash drive held no video of any kind. They labeled the report “suspicious” and called it a shift.

Who was that unmasked man?

EVERGREEN – Barefaced Beauregard walked into the shop on the afternoon of Mar. 25 and ordered a pack of unfiltered. Cautious Clerk asked Beauregard to don a mini-mart-mandated muzzle. Beauregard bridled. “If I have to come back here,” bugled Beauregard on his way out the door, “you won’t be alive!” In fact, Beau didn’t come back, but Clerk still wanted him formally and eternally boosted from the business. Cognizant that the officers couldn’t trespass someone they couldn’t identify, Clerk promised to send them full-face surveillance photos of the cranky customer.

Inside job

MARSHDALE – On the afternoon of Mar. 22, the pastor was puzzled to perceive a perforation in one of the church’s peerless panes. Unable to remember anyone blasting away at her basilica, Pastor asked deputies to bear witness to the desecration. Discovering a large ball bearing under the corrupted casement that perfectly matched the unholy hole, officers determined that the irreverent round originated within the sanctuary itself. Pastor decided to forgive the transgression, merely asking that officers observe the iniquity.

Rubbish report

EVERGREEN – The Good News: While he was away at work the three trash can-loads of garbage he left at the curb were removed. The Bad News: The three trash cans were also removed. The Financial News: His trash-haulers accept no liability for the boosted barrels. News Analysis: He suspects the cans are still in the neighborhood, but doesn’t know which of his neighbors is the hood.