Such sweet sorrow

CONIFER — Stricken by a sudden and ferocious bout of allergic distress while driving, Sneezy pulled into a handy watering hole parking lot to ride out the reaction. While he was so parked, and for no known reason, Sleezy stumbled out of the saloon and started pounding on Sneezy’s car, demanding that he roll down his window or she’d “call the cops.” Because Sleezy was a perfect stranger to Sneezy, and because her words and demeanor were more than just regular-old threatening, and because Sneezy suspected that Sleezy was drunk, or high, or just plain crazy enough to present a serious problem, he saved her the trouble. Sleezy was still hassling Sneezy’s car when deputies arrived, and her first words to them were “He needs to leave. Why isn’t he leaving?” Asked to describe her specific beef with Sneezy, Sleezy said that she’d seen him in the saloon, and that he’d been acting “weird,” and that now she didn’t want him anywhere near her and would hound him all night and to the ends of the earth if that’s what it would take for her to be spared another instant of his offensive presence. Because it was demonstrably true that Sneezy had never seen Sleezy anywhere except outside his car window, and because officers shared Sneezy’s suspicion that Sleezy’s erratic behavior was chemically induced, and because in 20 minutes of non-stop ranting she never said a single thing that made a lick of sense, the deputies “did not try to rationalize further with an irrational person.” The officers gave Sleezy their contact information in case she wanted to clue them in at a later date, and Sneezy satisfied her fondest wish by leaving.

Why? Was I laughing?

INDIAN HILLS — On the evening of Aug. 3, the complainant called JCSO to report a neighbor causing a scene. A deputy arriving at the scene of the scene observed a pickup truck parked in the middle of the road and its owner, the complainee, strutting around it like a prizefighter in the ring. The deputy asked Complainee if she’d been “yelling and screaming” at Complainant. No, said Complainee, the only ruckus around those parts was coming from the rug rats living in Complainant’s house. About that time Complainant came outside, prompting Complainee to instantly launched into a loud and furious rant about “this psycho here,” meaning Complainant, who was “just a nasty human being.” Complainee further enumerated at full volume the several ways in which Complainant had wronged her in the past. The deputy pointed out to Complainee that she was making exactly the kind of scene that Complainant had complained about, and that if she didn’t tone it down he’d cite her for disorderly conduct. “Go ahead,” said Complainee, defiantly. Thing is, to properly fill out a summons the deputy required Complainee’s identification, and Complainee didn’t have any, nor any registration for the pickup truck, nor any proof of insurance, and a quick dip into the DMV database revealed that her license had been officially defunct since April. Obstinate to the end, Complainee vowed that “the neighbors will pay” and she would certainly “kick (Complainant’s caboose).” That being the case, the deputy decided to up the charge against Complainee to harassment. “Are you (fallaciously) kidding me?” Complainee gaped. If he was, the joke was on her.